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| I've been hurting a lot lately. & I've been hiding it. At least from you I have.
When I'm alone. When you're not here. I feel torn apart. It makes me wanna cry.
But I try to keep my tears in. I try to hide them. From you & I. They're not something I want to reappear.
When you're here with me, I can hide it from you. I can hide the pain, the hurt. I smile. As if nothing's wrong.
Go away. I just want it all to go away.
Why is it that it hits so hard when you're not here? To hold me... To tell me you love me.
The stupid thing is... you're not even mine anymore. So why do you still say it?
Ugh. I'm so frustrated at the moment. I need to clear my mind. I need to disappear.
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| What is there to say about that? It’s crazy how you can see so much in someone. And before you know it, they’ll turn their back on you. But who do you see as a priority? Think about that. Who’s at the top of your list? Instaneously, family & friends. Of course. What a dumb question to ask, right? Wrong. Now, think about that answer carefully. Is it, family and then friends... or is it friends and then family? Now to place in the second factor... What if you had a bf/gf/wife/husband/lover? Aren’t they you’re "everything"? I heard that from a friend of mine. He said it to me one day. It was something that struck me as surprising. It seems a bit of an obvious thing, ya’know? To not make someone a priority when they basically see you as nothing, as something they choose to have. As an option. But can you help who you care about? Can you help who you see at the top of your list? You could claim who you think is at the top... but honestly, who holds it? Who would you give the world to? Who is that one person who would never turn their back on you? Who is that one person you could never turn your back on? Hard to figure that out, huh? I guess those words were more of a statement saying, "watch out for yourself. don’t let someone take advantage of you. and don’t do something for someone that wouldn’t even think about doing something like that for you". I really gotta start taking that into consideration. Wise words. Never thought it would’ve hit me so hard on a day like this... | | |
| It's been a longggg time, huh? I'm stressed. Like beyond control. I really don't think I'm stressed for the same reason other people think I'm stressed. I'm pretty sure I know why I am. It's not for the past things. It's for one thing. And one thing only for the most part. Just kinda wish it could change a little. Or at least put into mind how it might make me feel throughout all of it. People make me mad. I'm starting to have low tolerance. Extremely low tolerance. This is bad. But lately, I haven't exactly been dealing with people who deserve my tolerance. Honestly, putting up with so much shit in such a short amount of time make you realize, what's the point of tolerating other people's shit when in the end it makes you feel like shit? I thought the point of living, was to live your life. Not live your life according to others... It's hard to keep yourself happy. Along with keeping others happy. I guess, you can only do one, right? Or is there a nice balance in the mist of it all? If there is, why can't I seem to find it? I always seem to always want to do something that'll make someone else happy... Never me. I want it to be for me. But in the end, it's always someone's whispers in my ears kind of leading me in making my decision. Where's my own whisper in my ear? Where's my own mind speaking to me, telling me to decide against them? To make my own decisions? I guess there's just no way in really knowing... | | |
| So, its been a really long time since I've updated...
I got a message from a friend from the distant past, or so it seems. Well, he's inspired me to update.
I miss the old days when all I ever had to worry about was watch the house, watch my little brothers, and school. I miss hanging out all the time with a certain small group of people. But it's okay. I'm different now. And so are they. I like the way I am now, over the way I was. I guess all that I really miss is the fact that it was simpler then.
I now work 6 days a week, no longer 7. Thursday is my only day off. I cut my hair and I dyed it. It no longer has pink/red in it. It is now dark brown and black... you know, normal colors. I decided to change the way I was... There's a different way to look at things now. Different way to look at people, especially. I guess a lot has happened since July... but those things aren't to be discussed.
Do you think I've changed? Apparently, I'm the type to grow distant from people quite quickly. According to someone. They said that I act like I'm really close to people, and then just wander off. But I guess she didn't keep in mind that people change... that there are certain things they don't want to keep doing... that they've grown up and want to do better... to do more.
But oh well. Shit happens. =] But it's all for the better. I honestly don't care if people think bad things about me... Because, now, I've realized, with the good comes bad. And the good is oh-so-good. It just makes me not care about the bad.
Btw: to those I've grown apart from... I'm sorry I haven't kept in contact. I love you. I miss you. You're still awesome. And I'm always here if you need me. Just make the call. =]
Toodles.
In addition to the above...
Its funny how people could dislike you soooo much that they start to act like a completely different person.
You think I'm a bad person and you're a good person... well, maybe you are and maybe I am... but a good person doesn't talk shiit. I don't think you're a bad person. I just think your mindset on me is completely wrong. Whatever it is you're thinking, stop that shiit. You don't know me at all anymore. So stop talking shiit about me as if you do. You have nothing to do with me anymore. So stop mentioning my name. Why the fuck do you find it necessary to talk shiit about me if you dislike me? If you dislike someone, you remove them from your life. You ignore their presence. Which you have done in my case.
You do in fact ignore me when I'm right in front of you. But once I turn my back, things are said. Listen here. They get back to me. And just because you dislike me, doesn't mean that everyone else will also. So stop telling people shiit about me. I can't fucking stand it anymore. The shiit I hear people tell me that you're saying about me... Tell me how I stopped talking to you? Tell me how I dissed you in any way? If you would fucking stop, and think about the shiit you say, you would realize that it was not I that dissed you, or stopped talking to you. But it was you that dissed me and stopped talking to me.
I would call you to talk or to chill. But the same things came out of your mouth, "I'm busy". And if I had called you to discuss a situation that was happening at the moment, you acted as if you were actually listening to me. Then, in the middle of what I was saying, you would run and HAVE TO discuss it with the other person. But the thing is you weren't listening to me at all. You chose his side instead. Think about this. You knew the way I was feeling. You knew all the shiit he was putting me through. But instead of talking to me all the time. You talked to him. And you still do. You don't even know him.
Go ahead. Hate me. Think I'm a terrible person. But don't tell people lies. I never dissed you. You were always too busy for little ol' me once I left. And as the above says, people change. Accept it. I can't stay the same person I was 2 years ago...
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